


There's Something About Akashi

by andchipzz



Series: There's Something About Akashi [1]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Akashi Masaomi's A+ Parenting, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-04 10:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10988832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andchipzz/pseuds/andchipzz
Summary: Kuroko is a hardworking person with a very positive, optimistic outlook in life. No matter how apathetic his teammates are becoming, he is very certain that he can help pulling them out of their slump and show them how to have fun playing basketball. This shows that Kuroko is mentally and emotionally stable, which implies that he grows up in a healthy and stable home as well.On the opposite spectrum, there is Akashi. We have never been really made to understand Akashi’s situation. What we get from the manga is this, that Akashi suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder. The thing is, Akashi’s mental disorder implies that he might suffered severe and prolonged trauma experienced during childhood, including emotional, physical or sexual abuse.This fanfiction will be a way for me to deal with my curiosity of Akashi Seijuuro character, and my inability to accept how superficial he has been portrayed.





	1. An Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers, please understand that this is part of me practicing character voices and part of me processing information about Mental Health Issues, particularly DID.
> 
> I found that Akashi's character is very compelling. He is so mysterious, so powerful. But at the same time his flaw is also so misunderstood and oversimplified. Writers tend to demonize him, even though he and his very real disorder make him the most humane of GoM.
> 
> I will be researching the DID so that I can make a realistic and reliable reference for my fan fiction Since I want to be as accurate and realistic as possible, this will cause the update to be as slow or as fast as my ability to process the information into a story format. 
> 
> It will be very helpful if someone who has background on this issue will be willing to help being my beta.  
> Does anyone know how to find a beta reader?

It amazed me how purposefully ignorant people can be. I try to understand why, because fandom tends to be biased to their favorite character. And fans love to torture their favorite character. That is why, since Kuroko is the favorite in KnB, he is more often than not portrayed as someone who is tortured and abused and harassed all of his life. Which he is not.

Kuroko has proven himself again and again as someone with the most normal and healthy personality compare to his ex-teammates. He successfully connects with people and creates friendship some of them even life-long: with Ogiwara in elementary school, with the GoM (especially Kise, Momoi, and Aomine) in the junior high school, with Kagami and the rest of the Seirin in senior high school. Actually, the rest of GoM have successfully proven themselves capable in maintaining healthy relationship, with the exception of Aomine and Akashi. But even Aomine connects with Momoi and they are best friend.

Actually, Kuroko is a hardworking person with a very positive, optimistic outlook in life. No matter how apathetic his teammates have become, he is still very certain that he can help pulling them out of their slump. This shows that Kuroko is mentally and emotionally stable, which implies that he grows up in a healthy and stable home as well.

On the opposite spectrum, there is Akashi. We have known Akashi’s situation beyond the snapshots of Akashi going nuts. What we extrapolate from the manga is this: that Akashi has never had healthy relationship with people. We are told that Akashi suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder. The thing is, Akashi’s mental disorder implies that he does not healthy family environment. At. All.

We don’t know his childhood, but we know that he lost his mother, which was his only support, at a very young age. We know that he has been given a very heavy burden by his father. That he is never allowed to rest. That he is expected to be the best. For him to be number one in everything should be as easy as taking a breath. Fortunately for Akashi, he has the emotional and physical capacity to fulfill the expectation of being him. Just like Kuroko, Akashi, despite his natural talent, is a very hard worker.

In Teiko, he build a relationship with his teammates, but he never hangs out with them outside basketball. In the club, he takes a very big responsibility as the captain, even though he is younger than half of the club members. The relationship that he has with the GoM, who is supposed to be his closest friends in junior high school, is limited between captain and subordinate. Among GoM, I imagine that he will be closest first to Midorima, who is his vice captain, and to Momoi, who is the team manager. The three of them, I suppose, create a triumvirate, but even here, Akashi is unable to open himself. Akashi’s relationship with Murasakibara, feels more like tolerance.

This situation continues in Rakuzan, where he becomes the Captain and the Student Council President. Interestingly, even though Akashi does not connect with his teammates here, they feel connected to him and even, you may say, have developed a particular affection for him. It can be attributed to the fact that they are quite a bit older than him, and might be more mature in their reaction toward him. He is closest to Reo, who is the most mature of the Rakuzan team, and might understand his situation better than everyone else in the story.

If you read the novella and then the manga, you will see that his teammates, former or present, all have respect for him. The ex-Teiko come when he calls. All of GoM feels very bitter when remembering how Akashi changes. The Rakuzans listen to his instruction. For me, this indicates that Akashi is more than the fearsome leader that almost all fanfic writer portray him as.   

The manga tells us that during a battle with Murasakibara, Akashi show his dissociative identity, and since then, it feels like he becomes a different person. This is the very important aspect of Akashi’s character that implies so many terrible things about him.

Akashi's distant behavior and difficulties in making connection becomes understandable.

 

* * *

 

The thing with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) is, it is a controversial mental disorder. Some psychiatrists even do not believe that DID exists. Many people think that DID is a made up disorder used by people who do not want to take responsibility of their action. With how often it is used in popular culture without proper reference on the situation behind the disorder, or how the persons suffering the disorder feel about the situation, fans start to take it for granted. DID becomes a joke for those who do not understand nor try to understand.

No mental health illness should be taken lightly or making fun of. Just like how people learn to respect autism and PTSD, people should also learn to respect DID. It is actually horrible, when surfing through fan fictions and seeing how people make fun of Akashi’s disorder.

Maybe it is the tendency of anime/manga fans. Many fan fictions portray rape victims enjoying the rape and even love the assailant immediately after the rape. There is no concept of consent for them. They make fun of rape victims and make light of very serious situation of victim blaming and rape culture that can push rape victims to attempt suicide. Yes, it is that serious. And yes, in real life, this happens: many rape victims do not get justice, and the tragedy that befall them haunted their life and their relationship. In this, I see how anime/manga fans seem to be very detached from real life.

Talking about Akashi, I believe that if there is anyone who suffers the most among the GoM, it will be Akashi. His DID is indicative of the environment that he grows up in. I want people to understand, that there is no way that Akashi’s DID came from his fear of being abandoned by his friend, just like told by the mangaka. That will be oversimplification of a very complex development of his DID. It does not happen overnight, as we have been shown snapshot of his psychopathic dissociative identity throughout his Teiko year. I want to learn and explore more about Akashi’s character through understanding DID.

I confess that as a writer, I also like to see my favorite character suffers and receives help from other people. As Akashi and his problem is very attractive and interesting to me, I want to understand him and do justice by his situation.

 

* * *

 

Why do I believe that Akashi has a DID, rather than bipolar disorder or schizophrenia? 

According to John M. Grohol, Psy.D. these are how the three disorder can be differentiated:

> People with bipolar disorder usually can lead fairly “normal” lives, hold down a regular job, have a happy relationship and family, even be very successful in a career. People with bipolar disorder do not hear voices that aren’t there, and they do not have multiple personalities in their bodies. People with bipolar disorder do best when they stick to some treatment regimen.
> 
> Many people with schizophrenia often have a more difficult time functioning in normal society. Because of the nature of the disorder, people with schizophrenia often have a hard time staying in treatment, and an even harder time with social relationships, family, friends, and work. Still one of the most stigmatized disorders in mental health, help in many communities can be hard to come by and many people with schizophrenia end up homeless and forgotten by their family and society. People with schizophrenia who have strong community and family support and resources do well, and can lead happy, healthy, fulfilling lives, with rewarding family and social relationships. People with schizophrenia can be depressed or manic, but it is usually as a result of the schizophrenia itself (e.g. they are depressed because they have schizophrenia). If a person hears voices (not all people with schizophrenia do), they do not recognize the voices as being a part of themselves.
> 
> People with multiple personality disorder, or dissociative identity disorder (DID), can often lead successful, “normal” lives with healthy, happy relationships with others. While, like people with schizophrenia, they can “hear voices” in their head, the voices are recognized by the person as different identities within themselves (not as external voices from outside themselves). Such identities may help the person function in life, and may allow the person to live their lives with only disruption. Others with DID have a more difficult time, because the identities take over parts of their life, making accounting for time throughout the day challenging and frustrating. While a person may become depressed with DID, it is secondary to the DID symptoms themselves (e.g., the person is depressed because they are trying to cope with their DID).
> 
> People seem to most often confuse someone who is suffering from schizophrenia with someone who has dissociative identity disorder. While both are chronic, serious mental health concerns, the differences between these two disorders are stark. People with schizophrenia hear or see things that aren’t there and believe things that aren’t true, often tied into a complex, irrational belief system. They do not have multiple identities or personalities. People with DID do not have delusion beliefs, outside of their multiple personalities or identities. The only voices they hear or talk to are these identities.

Akashi shows symptoms that we can associate better with DID. He is successful in all of his endeavor; he maintains a healthy lifestyle; he has social influence toward people. No one in high school realizes that Akashi has real mental problem. It is only his junior high school friends who find out that one day, he suddenly become an entirely different person. 

Akashi does not have schizophrenia. The most important trait of schizophrenia is delusions and hallucinations. Delusional means that his belief of what is happening contradicts the reality. This does not apply with Akashi, no matter how many writers try to portray him as delusional.

> "In this world, winning is everything; winners are validated and losers are denied. Until now, I've never lost at anything, and I won't in the future. Since I always win, I'm always right. If you oppose me... I'll kill you, no matter who you are."

This statement is not delusional. It is more likely a mentality that he inherits from his father. It is true that he always win. It is true, that by winning, he will always be in the right position. For him, right position means the more powerful position. He has been taught that to be proven right, you have to become the victor.

It is just a cold hard fact that Akashi is always, always the best in everything. He does not have any apparent weakness: he can play piano and violin and we can assume that he plays it very well; he is a leader in academic as well as extracurricular environment; he always achieves top score; he never lose in basketball or in other games; he is very well-referred and well-respected that he was appointed as basketball club captain in junior high school and even in senior high school even though he is a first grader; he is also entrusted to be student council president in senior high school during his first year.

> "The only ones who are allowed to look me in the eye as I speak are those that serve me. No one that opposes me is allowed to look down on me. Know your place."

> "My orders are absolute."

Those are statements that we can assume came from his upbringing. We can really imagine that Akashi's father says something like this to him, or to their servants, or to his subordinate, or to his business partner. Remember that Akashi's family is very wealthy. Very wealthy family usually means very powerful and influential. This should be something common in their everyday life. And for them, because those sentences are proven true, their confidence in their position within society is not something that can be taken as delusions.

Akashi also does not show delusion in making strategy. He perfectly understands the potential of his teammates, either from Teikou or Rakuzan. He is even capable in helping them developing their own playing style. This does not seem like a delusional person. 

Akashi is not bipolar because he does not show manic or depressive episode.

It is more possible that Akashi's dissociative identity has psychopathic and his main identity has narcissistic tendencies. His other personality shows persistent antisocial behavior, impaired empathy and remorse, and bold, dis-inhibited, egotistical traits. Previously, he is always a perfectionist, and has very high expectation to himself and his teammates.

The most important indication of his DID this conversation between two Akashis and the fact that they call themselves differently (Bokushi and Oreshi):

> "...It seems this is the only way...You understand already. Nash is strong. At this rate, we'll lose...I will vanish. I will return everything to you, so you can return to being a single being...I have confidence...You'll no doubt be able to gain a power equal to or greater than Nash...Don't worry...I was able to have a parting gift as grand as getting to play with everyone. Thank you."

He identify both identities as separated, acknowledging the existence of both identities, and even conversing with himself. People with delusions or bipolar disorder do not do this. If he has schizophrenia, he will converse with his mother, instead, or an illusionary character.

Unfortunately, the mangaka does not do deeper research for Akashi, that Akashi's mental disorder is solved just like that. Very ridiculous.

 

* * *

 

I would like to note some important points about DID, for my own and readers benefit. I believe that by noting these points, readers will understand the background of my interest.

This note is taken directly from [American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy](http://www.aamft.org/iMIS15/AAMFT/Content/Consumer_Updates/Dissociative_Identity_Disorder.aspx), without any changes made.

> The main cause of DID is believed to be severe and prolonged trauma experienced during childhood, including emotional, physical or sexual abuse. The development of dissociative identity disorder is understood to be a result of several factors:
> 
>   * Recurrent episodes of severe physical, emotional or sexual abuse in childhood.
>   * Absence of safe and nurturing resources to overwhelming abuse or trauma.
>   * Ability to dissociate easily.
>   * Development of a coping style that helped during distress and the use of splitting as a survival skill.
>   * While abuse is frequently present, it cannot be assumed that family members were involved in the abuse.
> 

> 
> Many symptoms of DID are similar to those of other physical and mental disorders, including substance abuse, seizure disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder.
> 
> The common symptoms of DID include:
> 
>   * Inability to remember large parts of childhood.
>   * Unexplained events and inability to be aware of them (such as finding yourself somewhere without remembering how you got there or new clothes that you have no recollection of buying).
>   * Frequent bouts of memory loss or "lost time."
>   * Sudden return of memories, as in a flashback and/or flashback to traumatic events.
>   * Episodes of feeling disconnected or detached from one's body and thoughts.
>   * Hallucinations (sensory experiences that are not real, such as hearing voices talking to you or talking inside your head).
>   * "Out of body" experiences.
>   * Suicide attempts or self-injury.
>   * Differences in handwriting from time to time.
>   * Changing levels of functioning, from highly effective to nearly disabled.
> 

> 
> Persons with DID may also have problems with:
> 
>   * Depression or mood swings.
>   * Anxiety, nervousness, panic attacks and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to stimuli or "triggers").
>   * Eating disorders.
>   * Unexplained sleep problems (such as insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking).
>   * Severe headaches or pain in other parts of the body.
>   * Sexual dysfunction, including sexual addiction and avoidance
> 

> 
> Left untreated, DID can last a lifetime. While treatment for DID may take several years, it is effective. Persons with DID may find that they are better able to handle the symptoms in middle adulthood. Stress, substance abuse, and sometimes anger can cause a relapse of symptoms at any time. As a good standard of care, persons with DID should be treated by a mental health professional with specialized training and experience with dissociation. Since physical illness can sometimes mimic or contribute to a psychological disorder, a complete physical examination by a physician is warranted when there are concerns about physical conditions. For significant mood disorders and psychiatric conditions, a psychiatric consult is necessary.
> 
>   * Treatment for DID consists primarily of individual psychotherapy and can last for an average of five to seven years in adults. Individual psychotherapy is the most widely used modality as opposed to family, group or couples therapy. The main goal for treatment is the integration of the separate personality states into one cohesive, unified personality, unless the person with DID is not ready or motivated to work with trauma. Psychotherapy for dissociative disorders often involves techniques that help work through the trauma that triggers dissociative symptoms. Treatment may include the following stages: uncovering and "mapping" the alters or parts; treating the traumatic memories and "fusing" the alters; and consolidating the newly integrated personality.
>   * Family Therapy is recommended to help educate the family about DID and its causes, to understand the changes that can take place as the personality is being reintegrated, as well as help family members recognize symptoms of recurrence. Family therapy for a person with DID may produce significant negative and traumatic memories of other family members which can hinder clinical progress.
>   * Group therapy may be beneficial in addition to individual therapy, provided the group is exclusively for people with dissociative disorders. Persons with DID can sometimes have setbacks in mixed therapy groups because others may be bothered or disturbed by the personality switches.
>   * There is no medication to treat DID since it is not an organic disorder or a chemical imbalance. However, antidepressants and anxiolytics might help with mood disorders.
>   * Clinical Hypnosis. Despite controversy about therapists implanting false memories by suggestion, clinical hypnosis can be used in conjunction with psychotherapy when conducted safely by a trained therapist. Hypnosis can help clients access repressed memories, control problematic behaviors, such as self-mutilation and eating disorders, and help fuse the alters during the integration process.
> 

> 
>  


	2. Kuroko Starts Thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroko is an observer, so he collect information from his observation and store it in his mind. What has happened in Teiko, his friendship with Seirin students, and the way he reconnects with his old friends, have matured him a little bit. So, he reopens his observation notes, and starts to see things from a different light.  
> Kuroko wonders about Generation of Miracles, about life as a Teiko's student, and particularly about Akashi.
> 
> Here we start diverging from canon. To put the event in a more realistic content, I don't think we can still follow the canon. I always feel, that it is very unrealistic to have Seirin defeat Rakuzan in the final. Meanwhile, with the expectations people have of Akashi, realistically, I think that the repercussion will be bad if he lost.

Here is Kuroko Tetsuya. He is an average student with average scores. His only ambition in life is to gain happiness from winning basketball competition together with the few friends that he has. The only unique thing about him is his very low presence that makes him almost invisible, and his never give up mentality. And currently, he is having a basketball practice session with Seirin kids. He thinks about the insurmountable odds of facing Akashi. It will be one month from today.

_Never give up..._

Thinking about that phrase, Kuroko watches his Seirin teammates. Kuroko feels motivated and inspired, he feels like he can breathe more freely now. Seirin has won against Murasakibara-kun, Kise-kun, Aomine-kun, and Midorima-kun. It has been very uplifting finding himself as a person capable in breaking through the slump his ex-teammates are experiencing.

He still remembers his helplessness as one by one the Generation of Miracle’s lost their motivation and became apathetic. It was only because of _winning is everything_ and their own innate talents, they became the strongest team of junior basketball player Japan has ever seen until they graduate.

Kuroko thinks, that being the strongest has not been the root of the problem; it has been the fact that Teiko Middle School basketball club at that time did not have any rival who could challenge them. Teiko has successfully developed a team consists of _monsters_.

Teiko has been a very prestigious school that wanted to be the best nationally. All schools want that, of course, but for Teiko winning is everything. The school has always pushed talented and accomplished students to achieve impossibly high standard. It has been _shameful_ to be mediocre there: once you show a mediocre performance, the school would treat you as a disappointment. It has been toxic it is no wonder that no Miracles are willing to visit Teiko.

This has not been a problem for Midorima, except for his really bad luck, which has been mitigated by the increasingly bizarre lucky items. The teachers used to think it was shameful, and only relented after they have a talk with Akashi, who vouched for Midorima.

Kise, meanwhile, has been protected by his popularity as teen idol. So long as Kise gave outstanding performance in the clubs, the school looked the other way, even if Kise’s scores have been mediocre.

Aomine and Murasakibara, both have been recruited to enter Teiko. Both of them were known to have immeasurable talent and physical ability for basketball. Unfortunately, neither have had the aptitude for academic. During Teiko days, it befell on Akashi, Midorima, and Momoi, to make sure that Aomine and Murasakibara get at least minimum required score.

Meanwhile there has been Akashi. Akashi has never got less than 100 marks in any exams or assignments for any subjects. He won music competitions and chess, shogi, or go tournament he was sent to. With the Miracles, he won all cups. Often, teachers called him to their office, because they wanted him to provide some essays or papers to be published. Akashi never hang out with the team outside of club session. All day long, Akashi’s schedule has always been full for finishing tasks and assignments from the narcissistic teachers and his father. Everyone has expected him to excel in any challenges they present him. None of them has entertained the thought that he would need rest once in awhile. It didn’t help that Akashi, who is highly intelligence, took it all in stride, as if it was normal.

Worse still, Kuroko reflects, the basketball coach’s hands off method in controlling the team has made it fell to Akashi to maneuver his teammates. When the coach and chairman noticed that the Miracles fell into depression, the pressure for Akashi to maintain the team’s performance increased. Kuroko remembers the many times Akashi has been called to the office, and coming out with a face more blank than empty paper.

Kuroko’s hands clenche into a fist.

He supposes, that in many ways, the problem with the Generation of Miracles has been caused by the adults around them. The irrational expectation those people has put on the shoulder of middle schoolers so the school committee can boast its accomplishment is so hateful. Furthermore, these adults tended to undermine the students achievement and praised them with “Well, it is expected that you win, because losing is unacceptable”.

Remembering those days, Kuroko sometimes feels like vomitting with how it has become. He truly feels lucky that he maintained a considerable distance from those adults. Going to Seirin has been a very different experience..

“Oi, Kuroko!”

Kuroko’s eyes snap to the worried face of his best friend of the year, Kagami Taiga. He realizes, that thinking about Teiko Days has made him dissociate; the silver lining of those days has been his relationship with the Miracles, which has been tainted.

“What are you thinking about now, huh?” said Kagami. “I have been calling you several times.”

“About my middle school years,” Kuroko answered plaintively. Sometimes, Kuroko maintains placid expression and response to everything just because.

“Huh.. well we are going to face Akashi. Isn’t he like, the all powerful one among Miracles? Are you worried about him? Don’t worry, we are going to defeat him like we defeat Aomine.”

Kagami is so boastful, Kuroko complains internally.

“I am not worried about whether we can defeat him or not.”

“So, what is it?”

“Among the Miracles, Aomine-kun used to be my best friend. But, I always feel that I am very indebted to Akashi-kun.”

“What? Why the hell you feel that way? He is a grade-A bastard!”

“Because, it is Akashi-kun who made it possible for me to play basketball at all.”

“No way! He is the one who stunted your growth as a player!”

“Kagami-kun, I don’t have talents or skills. Without Akashi-kun, in a place like Teiko, I would have ended up sweeping the floor and cleaning the ball in the basketball club forever. It would be very disheartening.”

Kagami watches Kuroko with doubtful eyes, so Kuroko elaborates, “By ensuring that I have my own irreplacable playing style, Akashi-kun has helped me make a safety net. I understood that if I competed with the Miracles by myself, I would not win. My value as a player would decrease, I would be useless. A useless person would not be needed in Teiko’s basketball club. By developing a role as a phantom player, I became important there.”

“That was messed up.”

“Yes.” Kuroko admitted. “Don't worry Kagami-kun, my goal has not changed. I want to save my Teiko’s teammates. I am very happy that I have succesfully got through them. However, saving those four is simple.”

“What do you mean simple?”

“Those fours only want to have an opponent that is measurable to them so they can be convinced that there are more to basketball than endless meaningless win. Actually, the Miracles only need to fight each other.”

“Yeah, you are right. But only the two of us can defeat Aomine, you know.”

“Because yours and Aomine-kun skill-set have made both of you matching rival. Anyway, it has been Akashi-kun’s order to make us go into different schools.”

“Akashi’s order! What the fuck?”

“Akashi-kun wants us to compete against each other. He wants us to prove that players from Generation of Miracles are the strongest.”

“I see. I think I can understand that way of thinking. It must be very frustrating for you all to not be able to compete against each other.”

“Anyway, it is easy to save Murasakibara-kun, Kise-kun, Midorima-kun, even Aomine-kun. By showing them they can be defeated, I feel that they got motivated to play well again. However, with Akashi-kun... there is no easy way.”

“What do you mean? We only need to defeat him so he can see that he can be defeated.”

“But it is not as straightforward as that. I really want to save Akashi-kun.”

“Save? You mean saving him from his delusions?”

Kuroko shakes his head, and sharply states “It is not delusion, since he really has proven himself capable. What I want to say is, I am afraid of the repercussion that Akashi-kun has to face if we defeat him. I want to save him from that.”

Kagami’s glare at Kuroko. “So you think we have to forfeit, huh?? I can’t believe it.”

“Kagami-kun misunderstands me,” snaps Kuroko. “I will never do anything like that! It is disgraceful and I have learned from my mistake. I only mean, that his situation has made me very worried.”

However, Kagami has become angry.

 _It is difficult to explain it to people outside the Miracles. They have not witnessed the signs,_ Kuroko thinks to himself.

Kuroko is not sure whether it will be wise to explain to Kagami, but for now, he decided to keep his mouth shut. The situation with Akashi, it sometimes feels like a very heavy burden that the Miracles have to carry. It feels like Akashi has punished them this way. Only the Miracles have suspicions: Momoi, Midorima, Murasakibara, Aomine, Kise, and Kuroko himself. Sometimes it is at the tip of their mouth to blurt out the truth to adults. More often than not, they are afraid: they are afraid for Akashi and they are afraid of the adult. So they keep their silence and only talk about this to each other.

Kuroko supposes, then, he should contact Midorima soon. There is still a month available to solve this dilemma.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Kuroko Recruits Midorima

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroko arranges meeting with Midorima and try to recruit Midorima for his quest to save Akashi. We will see a little bit about Midorima's reluctance to involve himself in anything emotional. In this chapter, Kuroko hopes to convince Midorima that Akashi is worth it.
> 
> This chapter will be in Kuroko's POV, so, any misinterpretation of Midorima's behavior is caused by Kuroko's limited understanding about Midorima's head-space.

Kuroko has never classified himself as close to Midorima. In fact, more often than not, Kuroko does not feel that he gets along well with the green haired boy. Kuroko is irritated with Midorima’s way of expressing himself. Kuroko knows that Midorima truly has cared for the rest of Miracles. However, Midorima’s crudeness and pretend apathy has been so self-serving.

Kuroko knows that beside himself, Midorima has been the most aware of what happened with the Miracles.

Kise has cared very much about the team, but Kise has been too busy at that time; he was a very popular teen idol at that time (and even now) and he also had to work hard for his academic. Not to mention, that at that time, Kise had his own problem with Haizaki and one-sided rivalry with Aomine which had occupied Kise’s mental capacity.

Murasakibara has always been too absent-minded and he has not cared about anyone, except when the Miracles were having fun. That was Murasakibara; in middle school, he only cared about having fun. When he stopped having fun in basketball, he got apathetic. In that sense, Kuroko supposes, Murasakibara behaved much like Aomine. However, unlike Aomine, Murasakibara has developed a healthy interest in baking confectionary.

Kuroko does not count Aomine, because the whole degradation of Miracle’s teamwork has been triggered by Aomine’s behavior. Maybe because Aomine does not have healthy interest in anything except basketball. Aomine’s other interest has been porn. _Maybe it caused him to become worse_.

Well, there is Momoi. But Momoi is just a _girl_ and it is impossible to ask Momoi to get involved in this mess, because this has been boys’ problem.

Meanwhile, Midorima has been quite self-contained. Midorima has known what happened with the Miracles. Midorima has been privy to the school’s machination. He has been privy to the ins and outs of the Miracles. Midorima walked home together with all of them, except Akashi. Midorima has _seen_ and _understood_...  but Midorima has chosen to ignore it all together. Midorima has always been so afraid of being embarrassed, of being rejected, that it makes him uncool. Midorima has taken himself too seriously, Kuroko thinks.

_But... now Midorima has become quite a different person. Graduating from Teiko and becoming part of different school systems have made all of us a different person. I see that Midorima-kun, Kise-kun, Murasakibara-kun, even Aomine-kun, and of course me, all of us breathe easier in our respective new school. I suppose, it must be because we have our seniors who truly care about our wellbeing..._

Seniors in Teiko have been... Actually, Kuroko has not had many opinions about his seniors in Teiko. They have not made much impression for him. In the beginning, some of them have been trying to intimidate the Miracles. However, Nijimura senpai and the club committee has been more intimidating towards those people. Furthermore, the Generation of Miracles has shown them up. The Miracles have been so invaluable to the school, that anyone who opposed them was quickly handled by the school. These, rather than solving the problem, has aggravated the seniors’ behavior, especially once Nijimura senpai left the club and became preoccupied with his own family problem. They have been salty to Kise who was very popular among girls, but Kise’s fangirls can be very overprotective. Many of them could not accept Akashi’s appointment as vice-captain, but Akashi has been quite untouchable and proven himself a very capable leader. No one dared to go against Aomine or Murasakibara due to their physical prowess. Verbal and borderline physical sexual harassment has been thrown to Momoi, however Aomine quickly stopped it. Kuroko has been unnoticeable, no one could catch him off guard. Midorima has also been tall and muscular. The Miracles at that time were a very tight-knitted group. There was always Akashi and his machination, or Aomine, Murasakibara, and Midorima with their powerful posture.

Looking back, Kuroko realizes that the Generation of Miracles has been a very lonely group of children. They have learned to protect each other. Once Nijimura senpai stepped down, it became us versus the world for them. It was either other students who were envious of them, or the teachers who exploited them. Even the female students only saw them as an object to be admired and possessed. It was somewhat bitter, that their family has entrusted them to Teiko only to find out that their children have not been nurtured very well.

Kuroko remembers that Aomine’s mother has been very devastated with what became of Aomine. Kuroko’s mother has asked Momoi about this. Aomine’s parents gave Aomine a space, and tried to encourage him in other fields of interest. However, Aomine’s first and last love has been basketball. Hence, when Momoi told them about how Kuroko has fought to help Aomine, they were very grateful to him.

Kuroko’s own parents have regretted sending Kuroko to Teiko. They saw how brokenhearted he was after that last match. It has been difficult, but he successfully relaid the gist of it to his parents. His parents have been understanding. They helped him deal with what happened; they presented a more mature perspective and expressed disgust toward his Teiko teachers. Kuroko’s parents have pitied the Miracles. That is how Kuroko understands that whatever happened, his friends have been victims of the whole circumstances. That is why, Kuroko resolved to help his friends.

Fortunately, graduating from Teiko and moving on to different schools have accelerated the progress of their healing. Kuroko has found a support system in his group of eclectic senpai and teammates; none of them belittle his goal in helping the Generation of Miracles. Kise, Midorima, Murasakibara, and Aomine, they have also found support system that is suitable to their unique personality. Their respective seniors and teammates have been amazed with the Miracles weirdness and their powerful basketball style, but also quite strict in facing those four’s willfulness. Kuroko hopes that each of them has found their own group of friends outside the Miracles.

Kuroko knows what is going on with everyone’s life, except Akashi. Even Murasakibara’s life is more familiar to him (considering that Murasakibara’s ‘handler’ is Kagami’s ‘brother’). He met with Kise, Midorima, and Aomine quite frequently nowadays. What is happening with Akashi nowadays? Kuroko wonders. What he knows is only that Akashi has been appointed as the Rakuzan club captain and Rakuzan student council president. Rather than feeling admiration, Kuroko feels frightened. Isn’t this like more burden for Akashi compare to the one he has in Teiko? Is it even possible for normal human being to handle that? What kind of school is Rakuzan anyway? Is it anything like everyone else has, or is it a high school version of Teiko? What kind of seniors or teammates that Akashi has nowadays?

Rakuzan High has been participating in the Winter Cup ever since its founding tournament. They have participated in the three major tournaments for five years in a row, and they have won more than any other school. Isn’t it like Teiko all over again?

The vibration of his phone makes Kuroko’s attention come back to his surroundings.

This late in the afternoon, he has arranged a meeting with Midorima in one of the Maji Burger outlet. Maji Burger has always been the favorite meeting for Kuroko. He is kind of addicted with the milkshake that is sold here. Every time he gets some pocket money, this is where he will go. Sometimes, he manipulates Kagami so Kagami will pay for his milkshake. Well, that is Kagami’s fault for being so gullible.

It has not been easy to convince Midorima, because Midorima tends to react as if it is useless, this kind of meeting. But Kuroko has told Midorima to come alone, that this is an urgent meeting between them only. Kuroko supposes that Midorima can sense Kuroko’s urgency in the text message.

Kuroko reads the message, then look up. At the front door of the Maji Burger, he sees Midorima enters. Midorima’s eyes sweeps over the whole restaurant, before stopping in Kuroko. Then the tall boy walks to Kuroko’s booth.

“Kuroko,” greets Midorima, before taking a seat in front of Kuroko.

“Midorima-kun,” Kuroko greets back. “You seem more cheerful nowadays.”

“Hnh. What nonsense are you spouting of now?”

“We haven’t talked since Shutoku’s match against Rakuzan. I thought you will be more upset, but you seem quite upbeat.”

“If I can accept losing from Seirin, then it is reasonable to accept losing from Rakuzan. Why should I be upset?”

“Well, it is just a thought. By the way, are you going to order anything?”

“No. I avoid fast food like this as much as possible. That is why I am healthier and taller than you, Kuroko.”

“It is not actually related at all. Akashi always eats healthy, but he is still the smallest among the five of you.”

Midorima goes silent. Kuroko thinks, that mentioning Akashi’s name in regular everyday context such as this, tends to trigger the Miracles into silence. It has been a long time since Akashi could be categorized as normal, that it is difficult. But, Kuroko has learned to think of his friends as normal people, and be afraid for them rather than of them.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” asks Midorima.

Kuroko takes a breath. Here is hoping that Midorima won’t deny him. He needs someone to brainstorm, someone who is truly in the know on what has happened to Akashi, and probably has more info on what is happening to Akashi now.

“It is about...” it is not often Kuroko finds himself in lost on how to express himself with words. Kuroko finds that it is tiring to muster facial or physical reaction to things, but he always feels people understand him better when he says what is in his mind. People tend to think that Kuroko does not have his own opinion, until they ask him. That is when he will be triggered into a tirade. However, Kuroko finds it difficult to talk about this, because many of his own heartache came from this.

“Akashi, right?” Midorima answers for him and Kuroko sighs in relieve. Midorima is always capable in making good conclusions, the problem is, he rarely does anything productive with that conclusions.

“I know that Midorima-kun has refused to get involved in this. But, Midorima-kun, you have known my resolution, haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“I feel happy, that I have successfully get through you, Murasakibara-kun, Kise-kun, and Aomine-kun. I know that it is not as straightforward as winning against the four of you. I know that showing you how the Seirin team support each other and by having a teamwork we are capable in defeating you, the four of you then can see that it is possible for you to be defeated by teamwork. I think, seeing how Seirin grows by supporting each other, we have motivated and inspired all of you.”

“Hn. You think too much of yourself.”

“I don’t think so, because that was what you implied yourself during Shutoku and Rakuzan match.”

“Hnh.”

 _Midorima-kun is too prideful_ , Kuroko thinks. “Anyway, I am not confident for Seirin’s match against Rakuzan.”

“Why?” Midorima’s voice becomes quite serious.

“Midorima-kun, do you remember our Teiko days?”

Kuroko sees the way Midorima’s hands clench as a respond to that question. It is true, that nobody wants to talk about Teiko days.

“Midorima-kun, when I say that I want to save all of you, and show you that there is more to basketball than winning, that we can have fun and have our freedom and happiness with basketball, I really mean it.”

“I understand,” Midorima response calmly.

“However, with Akashi-kun, I... I genuinely think that it is not about basketball.”

Midorima’s head then bows down toward his fingers. Kuroko notices the bandages that Midorima always meticulously wraps around those fingers. Kuroko notices how Midorima subtly wrings those fingers together. Kuroko notices how nervous Midorima is.

“I am going to go against Akashi-kun in a month. I don’t think that winning from you, Midorima-kun, makes Akashi-kun happier or feeling freer. Winning, for him, is only a way to reaffirm his mentality. Akashi-kun that I have known in Teiko, has never been happy to win. For him, winning is a burden, because victory is a symbol of power. The more he wins, the more power that he has. Without this victory, he lost this power. And... as we know, power is a burden.”

Midorima sighs and says “That is true. I... you still remember.”

“How can I forget?” Kuroko implores.

The thing is, Akashi’s most vulnerable moments, it has been very private and painful moments for them. Kuroko has found out by accident. Midorima knows, he supposes, because Midorima was Akashi’s right hand in the Teiko’s basketball club. Momoi, who has always embraced her role as manager, was responsible in taking care of the well-being of all basketball clubs member. Everytime someone got sick, Momoi would be the one who delivers them to the infirmary or nurses them during match (where there is no guarantee for infirmary). Come to think of it, Kuroko does not think the others know this. Not even the coach or Nijimura senpai. Akashi always insisted that they keep it a secret.

What the three of them still remember, is Akashi’s debilitating headache. It stays for hours that sometimes they had to help him walk to his chauffer because his brain seemed be unable to control his body. This headache always came after match, but not every match. The attack was not always immediate, often it came after several hours, but sometimes, it came just after they exited the match venue. It disappeared after that particular match between Akashi and Murasakibara. However, the severity of that headache is still very much memorable for Kuroko: the bulging vein, the sweating body, the fact that Akashi couldn’t seem to remember _anything_ that happened before the attack. He has been so helpless, so pitiful during those moment, and the pain and fright that have been expressed in his eyes is unforgettable. Akashi’s reaction for that headache has made Kuroko afraid that Akashi’s head is in danger of exploding.

Neither Kuroko, Midorima, or Momoi, ever find out the cause of that headache. Considering that Akashi couldn’t remember what he did before it came, they could never solve it. According to Midorima, Midorima’s father, who is a doctor, has tried to help, by examining and giving Akashi some pain medication, but even he couldn’t find the cause of that headache. And, because it only happened occasionally (at least according to Akashi), Midorima’s father has thought that it is not a deadly illness, and sent Akashi’s home with headache prescription.

Truthfully, it has been frightening. More frightening however, has been the way Akashi handled it. He always suffered in silence and tried to stay stoic, as if it is shameful to complain.

“Sometimes I think Akashi’s match against Murasakibara has been a blessing.  At least, after that, his headache stopped,” Midorima says.

“Yes, but he got worse in other aspects. Do you ever find out why that attack stops just like that?”

“No. Akashi never came to my father’s clinic again after that day.” That day, is the day Kuroko feels Akashi became a different person. Kuroko catch the nuance, because all Miracles give out a tone when they are talking about it.

“Maybe he came to a different doctor...”

“I... yeah, maybe...” Midorima’s uncertain reaction makes Kuroko stares at him imploringly. _There is something here_... however, Midorima decides to keep his opinion to himself, so Kuroko lets it go, for now.

“Anyway, about Seirin’s match against Rakuzan,” says Kuroko. “Even though I think that Akashi needs to learn how it feels to lose, even if I think he will find out that losing will relieve him from the burden of winning... I don’t think it is the best course of action for him.”

“What?”

“Midorima-kun, do you remember Teiko?”

“How could anyone ever forget _Teiko_?” there is disgust in Midorima’s tone.

“Do you remember what Teiko wants from us?”

“Yes.”

“My parents say that Teiko has been exploiting us.”

“Obviously,” Midorima grouses as if he has realized it all this time.

“You didn’t know that at that time,” shrewdly, Kuroko says, “you only realize it now. You won’t accept that burden if you have known it.”

“.... My father is the one who explained it to me.”

“I thought so.”

“Whatever. What do you want to say actually?”

Kuroko cannot help but give a sly smile to Midorima, which somewhat embarrasses the taller boy. Sometimes it is so easy to irritate him.

“Midorima-kun, with the rest of us, we have entered a better school and found better people around us. I hope I am not wrong, but all of us, it seems, have found a healthier environment. I see our respective teammates and coach and manager, and what I think is, even though they are not as strong as we all, they are nice people. They take care of us very well. Don’t you think so?”

Midorima seems to think for a moment. For him, it is difficult to admit that he has nice friends or that he needs people to help him. However, he nods to confirm Kuroko’s words. Kuroko slurps his milkshake while thinking on what he is going to say.

“I don’t know anything about how Akashi lives nowadays,” says Kuroko eventually. “Do you?”

Kuroko sees Midorima ponders about this question. Midorima’s eyes wander to the restaurant’s glass windows. “I know a little bit,” he starts. “I know that Akashi has been appointed as the Student Council President. I know that he is also the Basketball Club Captain. His teammates, they are all upperclassmen, and known as the Uncrown Kings.”

“Uncrown Kings?”

“Yes. Those players with very high potential who were not given enough accolades, because they have been overshadowed by us.”

“Oh...”

“However, all of them are very good players. They always bring Rakuzan to the final. Without Akashi, they are capable in shutting down many of their opponents.”

“Then, they are already strong? Why do they make Akashi the Captain?

“Because he won against them in 3-on-1 match..”

“That is terrifying.”

“Yes. So now you see, why I don’t feel that upset losing against Rakuzan. It is like, they have been fated to win no matter what.”

“I am afraid of this. That Rakuzan will be like Teikou all over again for Akashi.”

Kuroko is aware that Midorima is observing him carefully. Kuroko feels quite hopeless with that news.

“Midorima-kun, with all of you I feel like even losing, you have people who can encourage and motivate you. However, I don’t know whether Akashi have this.”

“Why are you so invested, Kuroko? You know that Akashi always does what he wants. He is quite capable in taking care of himself, anyway. He always keeps us at arm’s length; sometimes I don’t think that he needs such things. Sometimes, I imagine that he sees us only as stepping stones and use us for his own agenda.”

“How could you say that, Midorima-kun? I think, that kind of mindset about Akashi, is what has made him keeps his distant from us. Midorima-kun, honestly, after that match that caused me to pull away from you all...do you remember?”

“... Yes, I do.”

“After that, I thought all of you are like that: that all of you only do what you want, that you see _me_ as a stepping stone and you have your own agenda.”

“I am not!”

“But for me, Midorima-kun, you were. However, playing against all of you, seeing all of you interact and having fun with people that I don’t know, like a normal human being, seeing your respective team capable in encouraging each other, I realize that it is not like that.”

Kuroko sees, that for Midorima, it is quite difficult to see things from a more objective point of view. Midorima has always been under Akashi’s shadow. Sometimes, Kuroko feels that for Midorima, Akashi has been his role model. When Akashi changed, Kuroko supposes that Midorima felt as if someone has pulled the rug under him. Midorima might have felt betrayed.

“I think, Akashi maybe will do something terrible if he loses in Winter Cup final,” says Kuroko finally.

Kuroko sees Midorima sighs, as if he has let go of a burden.

“It must be difficult to set your mind for victory, knowing your opponent is going to do bodily harm to himself if he lost,” says Kuroko, watching Midorima’s body language. “I remember that Akashi said he will gouge both of his eyes if he lost against you.”

Midorima’s eyes gets narrowed, “You can never imagine. It is foul.”

“Do you think Akashi is manipulating you?”

“He knows that I want to be a doctor-”

“That you like to help your father in the clinic-”

“Yes. He knows I can picture it. I... when he says that, I actually remember those days when he still had that recurring headache.”

“Midorima-kun, do you think that if he loses, he will really do it?”

Midorima inhales deep before saying, “With other people, you can think that it is just a bluff. But Akashi at that time he... It feels like he said it as a matter of fact.”

“You think, he will really do it.”

“I... I do...”

Suddenly, Kuroko feels everything blurred out. He looks at his hand, but he feels lost. This is what he is afraid of. He never thinks of Akashi as someone who will do or say unnecessarily extreme thing, so to hear Akashi threatened his teammates and his opponents with such words... it should be a bluff. However, since _that day_ , no one can predict what Akashi will or will not do. What is frightening is that never in his 15 years of living that Akashi bluffs.

“I hope you understand now, Midorima-kun, why I feel worried.”

“It is Akashi’s own problem if he wants to hurt himself.”

“You say that know, but I know you are worried as well. I cannot in good conscience let it happens. You know how Akashi has helped me in Teiko, without him, I will never be a real basketball player.”

“I know.”

For a few minutes, both of them get lost in their own head. Kuroko sees that many people has entered the restaurant, it is nearing sunset. Kuroko still hopes, that he can inspire Midorima to help him save Akashi.

“So, you see, Midorima-kun, my dilemma. I cannot let myself lose, because it will not help Akashi-kun, but I cannot win, because I think Akashi-kun will do something terrible.”

“I know.”

“Midorima-kun, I need your help.”

“I don’t know if I want to help you.”

“I think you should, Midorima-kun. You have been closest to him in middle school. You know him as well as it is possible. You have to still remember, that Akashi-kun, he has not always been like this.”

“What is your plan, Kuroko?”

Kuroko purses his lips, “I want to create a mitigation plan.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to lose against Akashi-kun, so I will try my best to win. However, I cannot predict Akashi-kun’s reaction. I don’t want something to happen to him if he lost. That is why I want to make a mitigation plan. I want to make sure that like the rest of us, Akashi has support system that can help him handle the lost.”

“That is too arrogant, to assume Akashi will lose to you.”

“Does it matter? It is called a mitigation plan for a reason. I want to be ready for any kind of outcome.”

“I am not sure I-”

“Midorima-kun, please think about it. I have a gut feeling, that if we don’t do this, we will lose Akashi completely. Forever.”

“Don’t be melodramatic.”

“I don’t think I am. Instead, I think that it is because of your reluctance to get involved with what happened to Akashi that makes this situation worsened.”

Midorima looks very affronted. “How could you-”

“Midorima-kun, I truly hope, that by being in a new team, and creating a new relationship, you will be reminded by how we used to be. The six of us including Momoi, we used to support each other. I know that Akashi-kun has been the one that convinced Sensei to let you bring your bizarre and embarrassing lucky charm, everywhere and all the time.”

“...”

“That Vow, Akashi-kun has been the one with the idea to make us split. I believe Akashi-kun knows that what all of us need is a challenge, and only a Miracle can challenge a Miracle. I believe, it is his way to save us all. I believe that he cares for us. Akashi-kun, he has helped me so many times, that I will never abandon him without at least do something to save him.”

Kuroko stares at Midorima. Midorima looks as if he doesn’t know what to say. It is okay, because Kuroko has many things to tell him.

“I have a very strong feeling that Akashi needs to be saved from himself. If he threatens his own well-being, isn’t this a concern? How long will this go on, until one day he really loses, and then he hurts himself very badly? Midorima-kun, it is us, the Generation of Miracles, who I think know Akashi the best. We have known him as someone caring and kind to us. We have known him as... as the person he is today. I think, we are the one who can save him. And I think, if you once again say something such as Akashi can take care of himself or Akashi is capable in handling everything, I think, it makes you the same as our teachers in Teiko!”

Midorima suddenly stands and hit the table with his palms. Kuroko watches Midorima, unintimidated. Kuroko feels anger, feels the need to hit something as well, preferably Midorima’s face, to make him realize. “How could you!?” Midorima hisses at him.

“No,” says Kuroko, slowly. “How. Could. You?”

Kuroko watches Midorima inhaling and exhaling slowly and deeply. In Kuroko’s periphery, he knows that people are going to wonder what is happening with the two of them.

The thing about Kuroko’s misdirection in daily life is this: when people are purposefully looking for him, such as Midorima who is looking for Kuroko when he enters the restaurant, they will see him. When Kuroko makes a spectacle for himself, people will see him. Kuroko’s voice can be heard by others; once they hear his voice, they will realize he is there. So, Kuroko knows that people are watching the two of them. Thus, Midorima, who is prideful and thinks himself as someone with dignity, will not want to make further scene.

“I cannot...” says Midorima finally. “I have to think about this.”

Midorima, who has already standing, moves to the aisle. Without further words, he then walks to the exit.

Midorima’s face has been pale, Kuroko realizes. It hits him very badly, being compared to the teachers at Teiko. _Who would want to?_ Maybe, Midorima has realized it, how terribly those adults messed with their life. Kuroko thinks, that Midorima must have experienced it directly, since he is part of the front line in the club. And Midorima has also been one of the top student.

Kuroko really really hopes that Midorima will understand and be willing to help in this quest. However... _i_ _t seems I have to contact Momoi-san_ _now. Just in case._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Revised on 27.05.2017.  
> I have been reminded about Rakuzan's team age, so I revised it.
> 
> I try to mention a little bit about physical and psychological symptom of Akashi's DID that the host identity might experience: headache and blank memory. Since my reference is only some case study that I read a little bit, I hope this is quite accurate from the outsider point of view.
> 
> I don't imagine it is easy to re-conciliate how Akashi used to be with what a jerk Akashi is today. For a year, the rest of GOM has to experience the narcissistic psychopathic behavior that the other Akashi has expressed. I won't be surprised if some of them refuse to care.
> 
> However, Kuroko has always been optimistic and very positive that he can help his ex-teammates change their mindset. This has been portrayed in the manga. I am hopeful that Kuroko can convince the rest of GOM to help him.
> 
> I hope that I have justified Kuroko's insistence in making things better, and why the others choose not to get involved at the time when things start changing, or even incapable to be present emotionally or physically.
> 
> I am hoping to see how Momoi will react to Kuroko's plans. I think Momoi can be more enthusiastic about this. Momoi is a smart girl and very very observant. She must knows things. However, Midorima's reluctance should also be explored. Midorima knows more than he shows, but his recent match with Akashi still clouds his judgement. I think Midorima will be very salty.
> 
> I love feedback, especially if it is to help me improve or to improve things. I want to brainstorm with people on how I can bring this story to a further heights! 
> 
> Thank you for all who have commented and leave kudos!


	4. Interlude 1: A Demand for Perfection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A snapshot on one of the worst moment in Akashi's life. The first time he got less than perfect, his father punished him with isolation.
> 
> It is a tendency of parents to thing themselves as above reprimand. Many parents, when making mistakes, will refuse to apologize. It often comes to the children to ask for forgiveness, in order to maintain good relationship with their parents. In Masaomi, this tendency is expressed in extreme, because it is what he used to all his life, at home and in the office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While writing the main story-line, my headcanon keeps begging me to be written. So, I will post some intermission in between chapters. These intermissions will give readers some background knowledge about Akashi home life, and a reference to some parts mentioned in the main story. This is unbetaed, written in a rush, posted because it wanted to be posted.
> 
> I will revisit this chapter at a later date to incorporate some valuable info about good parenting :)

The first and only time Akashi Seijuurou got a less than 100 score in his exam (which was 92 and still the highest score among his year mates), his father sent him away to an isolation room after lecturing him for about an hour. Seijuurou received this score when he had to take exam just about 4 days after his mother’s death. The grade school he went to had given him permission to make up exam, but Masaomi insisted that an Akashi should be able to perform even in the most unfavorable situation. Truthfully, Masaomi--who knew that Seijuurou had studied diligently, and had perfect memory and incredible intelligence--had expected Seijuurou to be able to handle it. Hence, Seijuurou, who was emotionally distraught with the death of his mother, took the exam as he supposed to and got less than perfect score.

Seijuurou received his score the next day, and as an obedient son, he gave it to his father as soon as he met him (which was a week after). Masaomi who was facing a difficult situation on one of the business project, vented on his son. He was not aware on what words came out of his mouth; he threatened to cast out Seijuurou from the Akashi household and family tree, insulted the boy’s effort and claimed that Seijuurou took advantage of his mother’s funeral wake to be lazy, and sent Seijuurou away to the isolation room to contemplate on his mistakes.

An isolation room is an empty and unused room in an Akashi’s household (in which, there are lots). There is nothing inside the room to take the mind out of boredom and restlessness. The light bulb on this room has been removed when Masaomi decided to punish his son this way. There is no window in this room. Considering the location of the house which is on a higher elevation, the room that has no heater becomes quite cold on most nights, and freezing in the winter. In the old traditional Japanese house, this kind of room tends to give a dangerous, hair-rising atmosphere. Especially, when one can hear the sound of tatami and woods creaking, as well as the leaves rustling and the cicadas singing.

There, Seijuurou had to stay. Nobody was allowed to speak to him or to give him his meal. He stayed there all night long, unable to sleep; his mind created an overactive imagination and he began to list his own defects.

_Will Father ever let me out?_

_Father never looks at me, he never touches me..._

_What is wrong with me?_

_Maybe I will die here alone._

_Maybe I will be starved here and end up as a skeleton_

_Maybe..._

_Mother has died._

_Why should Mother die and leave me alone?_

_Mother..._

His mind kept working until the morning came and an old maid who had worked in Akashi’s household for generations fetched him.

“Seijuurou-sama,” the maid whispered as she saw the young master in the corner of the room, tucking himself against the wall and hugging his own knees. Pale and pretty with his fine bone and delicate face, there was an emptiness in the young master’s dry face; all of the servants had been very worried that they would find Seijuurou crying himself to sleep. But, seeing the young master like this was even more pitiful. “Seijuurou-sama, the Master has gone for a business trip. Seijuurou-sama...” The Master had left an order that the young master must go to school today, but how could she obey that order when she saw the young master’s condition?

The maid was hesitant as she touched the unresponsive young master and helped him up his feet. The only person who ever touched young master had been his mother. Masaomi had never touched his son, even to give a hug or a pat on the back after the death of his wife. That was why, the maid was very hesitant, afraid that the young master would refuse her touch.

However, like a puppet being cut of its string, the young master let the old maid took him to his room. There in the young master’s room, the old maid observed the boy’s face and saw faint dark circles around his eyes that were as empty as his face. The maid then decided to not tell Seijuurou about his father’s order and let him rest.

Nevertheless, within moments after entering his room, Seijuurou’s eyes refocused and he looked at the maid with awareness.

“Please prepare some bath and breakfast for me,” he said as he began to stand up. He began to putter around his desk and prepare for school.

“Young Master, I think you need to rest for today,” said the maid unhappily as she stood in the middle of the room helplessly.

“I cannot afford to do that, Maeda-san. I already got unsatisfactory score once.” Seijuurou gave a demure smile to the maid which was supposed to be reassuring, but did not reach his eyes. “Please ask Yuuji-san to drive me to school. Anyway, I cannot allow myself to lose school anymore with that kind of achievement.”

Thus, Maeda the old maid, only sighed and went out of the young master’s room to do as she was bid.

This is what she thought, that no matter how she hated the Master for how he treated his only son, she found it more unnerving, the way Young Master bore with it in silent and with resignation. That day, she vowed that even though she would never be able to influence Master in how he nurtured Seijuurou-sama like Shiori-sama used to do, she would provide him with care parents should have given their children.

It is unfortunate, she thought, that she had to keep her distance from Seijuurou-sama as in a proper decorum between a servant and a master. However, she was convinced that she could still give him emotional support and encouragement, and also find others among her colleagues who will be willing to support the young master as well.

Since then, the loyalty of most of Akashi’s retainers lean toward Seijuurou more than his father. Although they will not be able to show their affection and support toward him openly, but they show it in small ways: fulfilling some of his requests which will give him more freedom in the house and at school (and keeping it secret from the master); cooking healthy, nutritious, and delicious breakfast for him (and his friends) everyday; celebrating his birthday with a cake; helping him handle things that he accidentally miss; hide his small, careless mistakes from his father and take the blame for those; and many other small things.

Seijuurou never asks them to do it for him, and if he knows beforehand, he will never accept it. He has been groomed to accept whatever responsibility given to him. However, refusing the retainers in those matters will cause bigger problem such as angering his father. Thus, he accepts those help resignedly, and grows to be content with it. As he grows to be known as “The Emperor”, those people will be his most important and he will consider them under his protection. He holds affection and gratitude toward them, and his alter-ego shares the same sentiment.

***

The saddest outcome from this situations is probably this...

That Masaomi actually felt guilty. The morning after he punished Seijuurou, he wanted to come fetch his son himself, but that problem with his business demanded immediate attention. It was his own relatives who posed threats for him, and he had to handle it delicately to maintain good image in front of other relatives and the general public. Those traitors wanted to take advantage from Shiori's death and it angered him very much.

After he came back from the out of city trip to take care of that problem, he saw Seijuurou. The young boy held himself with an aloofness and kept a greater distance than before. Yes, the boy was very respectful, but it was the respect a subordinate will give to his boss. He thought again about what made Seijuurou behaved like that, and he remembered the words he said.

Masaomi wanted to apologize, but his tongue felt very heavy. Never in his life he felt this shameful, and he refused to feel like this.

His whole life, Masaomi had never have to apologize to other people. He was always in a higher position, and he deemed it as his right to say anything he wanted to say, because nobody would dare to object him. In his own mind, Masaomi felt humiliated; affection and nice words never came easy for him. As he saw Seijuurou, he felt more guilty, because he knew that Seijuurou's manner had all been taught by Shiori.

The more guilty he felt, the more he clamped up.

In the end, because he refused to feel this kind of embarrassment, Masaomi convinced himself that what he had done, it was all for Seijuurou's own good. It was his way to prepare his son in facing their traitorous, sharp-tongued relatives, in the future, because there would be no Shiori anymore to help them navigating the treacherous diplomatic relationship with those people.

Masaomi asked about his son's school and scores and achievements, and Seijuurou's answered with short words that everything is going on well.

In the future, that would be the extend of their conversation.

And Masaomi, refusing to admit his own mistake, started to close his eyes from seeing the vulnerability that his son will project very rarely.

Maybe, if Seijuurou had been taught to express himself more freely, Masaomi would see the damage he had made.

But... 

It might be to late.


End file.
